February 5, 2013

Pin It


Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

As you may know, I'm currently working on my Masters Degree in journalism. Naturally, post-graduation I will be seeking employment as a journalist, and sometimes I ponder what it would be like to work at certain publications -- like Cosmopolitan, for example. Me, have something in common with "fun, fearless" women like Helen Gurley Brown, and way before her, Ida Tarbell? Please. However, if I were to pursue a job at Cosmo, I would with an ulterior motive.

I need to investigate their infamous sex tips.

Back when I was a young, fresh-faced undergraduate, I used to read Cosmo's sex tips and discuss them with my girlfriends. We didn't read them to achieve any sort of sexual prowess (our frequently-worn grey college sweatpants and the freshman 15 made sure of that), but to laugh. Cosmo's sex tips are, quite often, ridiculous.

I've always remembered this one about using a wash cloth to give a dude... a hand. Cosmo suggested keeping one washcloth in the freezer, and warming another one up in the microwave. Use the warm one first, then switch to the freezing cold one. The change in temperature was said to "drive a man wild."

"Just a sec, honey, I'm going to go warm this up..."
"...Okay, hold on, I'll be right back with an icy cold one. It's going to drive you wild."

Who came up with that? Who actually tried doing that? How many dicks got hypothermia that month?

If I were to work at Cosmopolitan, my first order of business would be to find answers to such questions. In fact, I'd probably get to it in my job interview.

Interviewer: So do you have any questions?

Me: As a matter of fact, I do. Who writes the sex tips? Does he or she make them up or have they all been tried, tested, and approved for publishing? How many letters to the editor do you receive about them per month? What percentage of those letters are complaints, subpoenas, or hospital bills? Approximately how many hypothermic dicks can be attributed to Cosmo in 2007?

Interviewer: LOL you're totes hired. The sex tips are just office mad libs.

Example: Take your ____ and put it ____, then twist his _____ with your _____. Turn over, stand up, and ______. Place your _____ over ______, move ____ degrees clockwise, and try not to fart.

Here are 8 real Cosmo sex tips to make you blush -- or take you from the bedroom to a hospital bed:

8. Run your fingertips over your nipples and gently squeeze your breasts in your hands, all while holding eye contact with him.

I think it goes a little like this.

7. Put a frozen grape in your mouth and warm it up a bit. Then hold it between your teeth and glide it down his neck, around his nipples, and over his lips. Finally, use your tongue to slip the grape into his mouth.

This is actually how the Plague spread.

6. Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were.

Or how you need to buy Spot Shot. And a new chair.

5. Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body.

Where do you put the wasabi?

4. Wet the fabric of his underwear with your tongue, and puff short breaths of hot air on it.

Schedule this after laundry day.

3. Take a beaded necklace (one without exposed string or wire), lube it up, then wrap it around his penis and roll it up and down.

Would puka shells work?

2. Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes.

I prefer steak seasoning.

1. Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.

Yes, bite his balls. There is no way this could possibly go wrong.

follow A HAUTE MESS on


  1. I am DYING trying to hold in laughter at this point. (Being in the most quiet part of the library doesn't help either) lmaooo!!!

    <a href="http://magz725.blogspot.com>Love Scrapbook</a>

  2. You are hilarious... Love the post. I totally agree with who's writing these sex articles because they are just ridiculous.

  3. Quite possibly the funniest thing I've read all week hahahahah still laughing x


  4. LOVE this!! I was laughing so hard at work! Great job!!

  5. Oh My God. You have to do this more often. Start a Tumblr. BestSexAdvice :D
    Can't hold the laughter back!

  6. A hilarious assassination of Cosmo sex tips! You should definitely write for the mag; shake them up a bit!

  7. Hilarious ! I can't help but read those sec column, and if you do learn who tested and approve those tips, please share LOL !
    My Blog - A Pretty Nest

  8. Hilarious. I may actually read these now just to see what other ridiculousness they can come up with. Mad libs.. lol, priceless.

  9. Niki, this post was hilarious.

  10. Agree with more often! That was too funny. It's shocking to think I read that pretty much monthly from about 16-24. Yikes.

  11. brilliant. that's so spot on. the sex tips are always hilarious. #1 is the best!!