January 16, 2013

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Golden Globes Fashion Recap

The best part about awards shows, arguably, is watching our most loved and hated celebrities arrive on the red carpet. Sometimes they bring their mothers as their dates, sometimes they bring a rumored lover and announce an official romance, and sometimes they run into an ex-partner and we laugh about how awkward that encounter must be. Stars, they're just like us! Most often, however, they tell Ryan Seacrest or Giuliana Rancic what they are wearing and we sit at home in our pajamas, surrounded by carbohydrates, alcohol, and sarcastic tweets, and we judge every aspect of their appearance from meticulously coiffed head to Louboutin-clad toe.

After the Golden Globe Awards last night, the internet seemed to agree on who made the best and worst sartorial decisions of the evening. For me, it wasn't that simple.

Lucy Liu

Lucy Liu in Carolina Herrera made the top of many Best Dressed lists. I beg to differ.

I want to know what she is hiding under her dress, and whether or not she plans to steal all of the Golden Globes or Peter Dinklage. Who knows what else she could fit into what I assume are the largest pockets ever sewn by Maria Von Trapp.

 Megan Fox

I'd be more interested in a play-by-play of an accountant doing... accounting than I am in Megan Fox and Megan Fox's boring blush Armani dress, but what I am interested in, however, is her face.

Look at her face! Why more surgery? It's not a real face anymore. If you poke it, do you think it's hard? Why does Megan Fox think she's Heidi Montag? Or a wax figure from Madame Tussaud's?


Is she a real life transformer? Holy shit, Megan Fox is a Decipticon. This may be the best method acting the world has ever seen.

Eat your heart out, Daniel Day-Lewis.

Katharine McPhee

I like this Theysken's Theory dress. I do. You're waiting for me to say something about the dress, and how it looks like a bathrobe not done up all the way or a slutty kimono, and I won't. And I won't say anything about the shoes either because I think they're interesting and I like them with that dress.

My only concern is that her boobs have found refuge in her armpits -- and she's not even laying down. What if they slipped out her arm holes? Wouldn't that have been... a Smash. (Ba doom chhhh.)

Jennifer Lopez

First of all, why does Jennifer Lopez get invited to the Golden Globes? She's not presenting, she's not a nominee, and she's not even a judge on American Idol anymore. What have you done for me lately, J.Lo? Watching the celebrities stream down the red carpet, I decided that if I were in charge of the guest list, I would do things a little bit differently.

1. No Jessicas. No Alba, no Biel, no Simpson. Chastain is the exception because she's actually a contender and because we also shared a nice moment together over Jason Wu at Fashion's Night Out last year.

Only Alba made an appearance this time to present an award, and she should've been honored and grateful to present and maintain some sort of relevancy but she just looked like she had a bug in her butt the whole time. And that's why I wouldn't invite her.

2. No one from Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, the X-Factor, the Voice. That means no Julianne Hough in sequined poultry.

3. No one that's not doing anything remotely related to the Golden Globes, unless they provide some sort of entertainment, like say, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck awkwardly exchanging pleasantries on the red carpet, which didn't happen.

Jennifer Lopez had no reason to be at the Golden Globes, yet she showed up all glittery and almost nude in a dress inspired by her costume at the 2011 American Music Awards (which was inspired Britney Spears at the 2000 MTV Movie Awards). Red carpet dressing is knowing your place. Best Actress nominee and winner Jennifer Lawrence made sense in an attention-getting gown. Jennifer Lopez, with her backup dancer on her arm, not so much.

Halle Berry

Holy Halle. It's like Jennifer Lopez made a baby with Angelina Jolie's leg and Lea Michele's desperation and went to Forever 21's sale section 6 years ago. No further comment.

Sienna Miller

I liked Sienna Miller in Erdem. The dress is fun, it's a lot different from what everyone else wears on the red carpet and I have to give her major props for thinking out of the box. Plus, she looks happy and comfortable -- which can't be said for a lot of what we saw on Sunday. It's very Sienna Miller.

I'm going to try and Do It Myself with nipple pasties and my mom's fancy napkins.

I want to like Anne Hathaway. I really, really do. At the very least, I liked her Chanel dress. Then she gave an acceptance speech that started with "blerg!" Then she went up on stage, gave the mic another go when the movie she was in for 20 minutes won, and almost hugged an unimpressed Amanda Seyfried to death. I just can't like Anne Hathaway. But like I said, the dress is alright.
Michelle Dockery 

Not enough love was given to Michelle Dockery and her Alexandre Vauthier dress. She looked elegant and regal -- but still managed to bring more fashion A-game than many who walked that red carpet. 

Someone should high five her if she ever manages to lift her arms again.

Jessica Chastain

Everyone's orange crush got a lot of hate for this Calvin Klein dress it seems -- the colour, the "pregnancy pleat," and the draped cleavage. I do believe it would've been more flattering if the top were more fitted for a voluminous bottom, and vice versa, however I'm not too bothered by it anyway. JC, I'll give you a pass.

But lady walking behind you couldn't disagree more.

Naomi Watts

I loved Michelle Dockery's and Kerry Washington's dresses and all jokes aside, I didn't really hate anything I saw on the red carpet on Sunday. (Oh except Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and Rachel Weisz.)  But for my final dress, this is who I think truly was one of the best dressed: Naomi Watts in Zac Posen.

The colour, the fit, the open back, the weird bunchy train -- I liked everything about it. Something about that train reminds me of a lobster and I think that's pretty awesome too because lobster is delicious. 

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  1. How are you so funny? Keep doing what you're doing cause it's freakin awesome.

  2. I can't get behind Anne Hathaway either... I don't know why but I just can't. She's too... perfect, too twee... too Anne Hathaway!


  3. I also agree about Anne Hathaway, she's just been annoying me so much lately! You missed Kate Hudson and her awesome McQueen dress! Oh, and JLo presented an award which is why she was there and I think she looked fierce!

  4. the lady with the stink face behind JC... tooo hilarious!

  5. i enjoyed this.

    i can't support anne hathaway's presence in les mis or her win. her acceptance speech(es) were unbearable but it may have all (!) been worth it to see her awkwardly try to hug amanda seyfried.

    good job, amanda seyfried. you go, amanda seyfried.

  6. Thanks for sharing this great news with us. I hope we will get great knowledge by this.

  7. I love Sienna Miller, and almost always adore her style(even when she wore a leotard with tights and a sweater, which was actually one of my fave outfits of hers.) But I cannot condone her wearing a circa 2001 prom dress. She has better in her! I love your blog though, you're the best.