June 27, 2012

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The Maxi Column Skirt slash Human Sausage Casing

It has been months since this skirt was last seen, and much has happened in the time passed to alter the experience had when wearing it: beer and hockey playoffs, summer barbecues, an increased disregard for exercise, and the new addition of a panini grill, to name a few reasons why it wouldn't feel and fit as it once did.

With its column shape and unfortunately tight fit, it essentially acts as a giant sausage casing, holding in the fattiest, most succulent of meats from the rump and thighs. Yes, I'm talking about my fat ass and referring to my body as a human sausage, because I'm honest, and that's what wearing this skirt feels like.

Wearing it requires my best celebrity red carpet pose: standing almost all the way sideways, hand on hip, sucking in my gut while simultaneously holding my breath and visualizing 500 pairs of Spanx. Does it look natural? It did when I passed out seconds later.

It does, however, allow for a bit of breathing room with a back slit that goes all the way up the buttcrack. It's risky, but nothing a pair of full brief period panties can't handle.

While we're feeling fat, and may be mooning a Nissan Versa, why not take a trip down memory lane and remind ourselves as to why this skirt was so special to begin with? Let me draw your attention back to the giant bow that houses the crotch. 

Because of said bow, this skirt will forever remind me of Catholic school (not because the nun-like maxi length covers a lot of skin) but because in Catholic school they tell you that your privates are a gift from God (and apparently some of us show this literally with giant red bows)... to be given to your priest. Just kidding, they don't tell you that.

But they do call it a gift, and they also tell you to tell an adult you trust if someone touches you in places your bathing suit would cover. So there you have it kids. There's a comment section below.

vest: Club Monaco, top: H&M, skirt: ASOS, shoes: Thakoon, bag: c/o Zatchels, sunnies: Westward Leaning, jewelry: Zara, Stella & Dot

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  1. BAHahahah. a true account of fashion and stuffing oneself into something that looks wonderful but makes one feel horrible.

  2. I love that skirt so very much. It really does make your privates look like a lovely gift-wrapped present.


  3. Love the neon!


  4. This post made me laugh out loud at my desk. Several times. Even after my boss looked over at me I could not stop laughing, or reading.
    It is only my second month in an office so I should really be more careful.
    Not a fashion PR job, but sports. I'll take more men over fashion for now. At least they're well dressed.

    P.S. The skirt, is fu**ing fantastic. But you knew that already.


  5. Omg you crack me up! You look chic as usual! Such a cool skirt and I love the shoes and purse! http://www.natalyascloset.com

  6. great look, the skirt is amazing, but your poses are the best

  7. I will always love this skirt - I think you look great in it but I totally get what your saying lol

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  8. this looks great!! i am in love with the thakoon boots, they work so well with the outfit!! jealous that you have them! :)